Posted by: Mary | June 22, 2011

Toss Me That Yoga Life Preserver

Making decisions is not my strong suit. I will sit and hem and haw about what I should do or shouldn’t do. Should I buy this, or maybe I shouldn’t. Should I go to the meeting? Should I wear the blue shirt. Oh. My. God! Decision making for me is a real issue. Part of this is tied to my desire to please others and to do what I think is right.

I had a situation come up last night when I decided to go to a yoga class rather than do something work-related. I chose the summer solstice yoga class over a meeting. Then, what happened? A storm blew up while I was in the class, a tornado was spotted and those attending the meeting I chose not to go to were moved to a basement for safety. I was missing a lot of news. As a reporter, my job is news.

But, my life is to live.

I started beating myself up about the decision I made. I started creating a story about “how I was going to get in trouble.” Then as my mind was going on it’s own little story trip, the “top boss” texted me about the tornado. I was like FML.

My lovely solstice class went straight into the shitter. My mood was shot and the f-bombs were flying.

But, if I had taken a breath and just been in the “now” (which is a constant need) I would have realized all was OK. I am human. I am allowed to live my life. I cannot be expected to work 24/7. And, anyway, who knew that storm was going to happen. Anything could happen at any moment.

If I had just relaxed I would have seen that it was ok. My boss was even reassuring me that things were fine. But, my story told me things were not fine.

What I realize more and more is that the yoga really begins off the mat.

Sure, it’s easy to be all yogic and touch-feely when I am at a yoga bootcamp with a bunch of other yogis who are feeling the Now. But, step out of the bootcamp or out of the yoga class and life starts to happen. That is when I need my yoga life preserver.

Nobody said the path was going to be straight, without hills to climb. I knew that. I’d been living a fractured existence for most of my life. No way was I going to go to a yoga teacher training and come back some kind bodhisattva.

So, I am accepting of the fact that I fuck up. I make mistakes. I still make stupid choices – my checkbook regularly shows me that. But, it is ok. I am much more aware of the shit that goes on in my head. Now, that I am aware I can try to stop the messages that send me into a story-filled nightmare.

The more I try to stop or change the stories, the more I see that what is happening now is ok. Things work out.

I will continue to make mistakes, to spin yarns in my head and to stop them and redirect the message.

The yoga will continue on the mat, but even more so off.



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