Posted by: Mary | June 19, 2011

Letting Go of the Stories

In February  I signed up to attend Level 1 Teacher Training with Baron Baptiste and I just completed that bootcamp a little more than a week ago.

The experience was absolutely incredible and to anyone considering doing Baron’s program, I would say to go for it. I loved it and learned a lot. The experience wasn’t easy, but real growth isn’t easy either.

I learned a lot about myself that I didn’t know and I thought I knew it all. I’d been through therapy. I’d read all kinds of touchy-feely books. But, I never really connected all the dots in my life. This experience forced me to connect those dots.

I’d been living life trying to be a different person to different people. Since I was a girl I always wanted everyone to like me and could never understand when they didn’t. For most of my life I’ve been seeking approval from people, whether family, friends, people I wanted to be my friends. I was living for everyone else but me.

My inability to make simple choices became apparent when I was at bootcamp. I was waiting to see what others would do. When really, what did it matter what they did? I realized I should do what I wanted to do, whether that was to lounge on the beach and read or go for a swim. It sounds ridiculous now, but that was my life for years. I did what I thought others would accept.

I always worried about what other people might think (even though I’d act like I didn’t care) I’d been making clothing choices, college major choices, job choices, etc., based on how I thought others would react. I wasn’t living my life for me and I was very unhappy. I was a big phony. A huge phony.

My desire to please and to be liked showed up in its worst form when I felt vulnerable around those I saw as more worthy than myself or those I saw as part of whatever group I wished I belonged to. At work I would become a control freak and I would show a tough side to many people trying to keep from showing my true vulnerability – I’m very emotional – so to mask my true self I worked very hard to act like a hard ass.

So much work. And, in all of that work I lost the person I am. Now, I am like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. I am figuring out who I am and what I like and realizing it really doesn’t matter what others think.

I am turning off the negative voice in my head and what a relief it has been. In just the past week I realized how much easier life is. Actually, the last two days I felt kind of tired and then I realized, I wasn’t tired, I was just relaxed. I’d managed to get things done, find time to chill and even write this blog. I even took a short nap.

What a magical time this is for me! I get a do-over! How wonderful it is to see life with new eyes!

~Namaste!

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